Impostor - Draft 4 (Final)

ARTIST STATEMENT

In the summer of 2012, I was diagnosed with a psychological syndrome known as the Impostor Phenomenon.  This phenomenon is defined as the intense, secret feeling of fraudulence in the face of success and achievement. People suffering from this phenomenon have a deep-seeded belief that they are a fake who have somehow “gotten away with it” and that they aren’t who they appear to be to the rest of the world. This syndrome, I discovered after research, is experienced by as many as 70 percent of all successful people in the world today.

This body of work is part of an ongoing photographic self-portrait project I have undertaken as a way to explore and understand this phenomenon within our society, our culture and my own life as well.  As a photographer, I am interested in photographing and portraying strong intrapersonal, internal emotional encounters that take place within individuals and our society.  This body of work not only serves to investigate emotional issues of fraudulence, but also social, cultural, and gender-related issues of how we view and attain success in our lives and place value on ourselves as individuals.

Digitally shot and deeply rooted in a strong spirit of theatricality, I created these images as a way to bridge the gap between personal perception and reality; question our notions of personal authenticity; and explore our relationships with ourselves as individuals. While this work is a self portrait and intensely personal, I have chosen to keep the figures anonymous to allow ease of access for the viewer and thereby represent the figures merely as a symbol for the collective body of individuals who suffer from this same phenomenon.

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Resilience

Growing up in the desert of Arizona my entire life, I’ve never understood why anyone would have wanted to move there in the first place.  What on earth were the first settlers thinking? There isn’t any shade or much water to be found, the temperatures can reach soaring heights equaled only by the Sahara desert and all the plants and animals are either pokey or poisonous.  Some of the cacti will even shoot needles at you if you get too close to them.  In short, it isn’t really an environment that screams, “this looks like a nice inviting spot to spend the rest of my life. I think I’ll settle down and live here forever.”  Yet people stayed.  Why? I can recall one occasion when we had family from the east coast come out and visit us for a while in Arizona; as we drove them around the state there was such a look of awe and wonder in their eyes as they took in the landscape around them.  I remember having to stop and wait at every new form of cacti we stumbled upon so they could take a photo.  I didn’t get it; but I do now.

My husband and I have lived most of our lives in Arizona and have recently relocated to the east coast, and to say I’ve been experiencing culture shock would be an egregious understatement.  More overwhelming than any other emotion, has been the intense feeling of claustrophobia I’ve experienced since moving here.  While I am not typically bothered by small confined spaces, there is an unease about not being able to see into the distant horizon, like I am used to, and a gloom to the vastly more numerous rainy days.  The food is different, the music, the people, the sounds, the smells all slightly off from normal – like stepping into an alternate reality.  Then, two weeks ago I had the opportunity to go home.

The moment the plane touched down in Phoenix, I could feel myself begin to breathe again. It was as if I’d been holding my breath since arriving in Virginia and only now that I could see into the distant horizon and watch the sun setting into the mountains could I again be at ease.  My whole body relaxed and felt at peace.  It’s true what they say about not knowing how much you love home until you’ve left it.

On my final day in Arizona, I took some time to drive out into the middle of the desert.  I parked the car I had borrowed from my mother on the side of the road and set out walking.  I hadn’t really prepared for the adventure and was acting on mere impulse really so my clothes were more fashion chic than desert appropriate, I had no water, no map, no compass, no hat, not even sunglasses.  All I knew, is that this was something I needed to do right in that moment.  So I took off my scarf, wrapped it around my head and wandered off into the desert looking like a misplaced actor from a Christmas nativity scene.  As I wandered, it finally struck me why all these people from all around the world are so mesmerized by this place.  Because even in these harsh conditions, when all odds are against them, these plants and flowers somehow find a way to survive, grow, and blossom.  They persevere through the harsh sun, the strong winds, the monsoons, and interminable droughts, and they remain through it all, steadfast and flowering.  The beauty of that thought struck a chord in me so deep it was as if my entire being was resonating in the same vibrations as the desert around me. The next day, I boarded my plane, flew home, and didn’t really know what to make of the experience I had while alone in the desert. While I knew it was profound, I hadn’t yet been able to fully process the experience. 

Once home, an idea suddenly popped into my brain. That idea was the expression of the experience I had while in Arizona combined with the experimenting I had done in environmental art this semester. In this way, my brain had connected this authentic experience with a means and medium for expression naturally, without force or planning or brain storming sessions.  It had simply come forth, not as a product, but as a byproduct of an experience.

It is from this series of events that I again found myself wandering, this time around Virginia with a pair of gloves, a trowel and collection of baby cacti.  I realized the thing that had most impacted me about my experience in Arizona was the concept of resiliency.  Of all the plants and animals in the desert, cacti exemplify this quality like no other plant on earth, through everything they remain standing tall and proud, they flower and bloom and this is a part of me.  This is who I am and where I come from. It shows me that no matter where I live, no matter the harsh conditions or difficult the environment I have the strength to stand strong, to grow, thrive and blossom.  I think this is a strong message for all of us, and something each one of us needs to hear at times.  In honor of that, I decided to bring a little bit of Arizona to Virginia by driving around and doing a little guerilla gardening by planting baby cacti as a symbol of hope and resilience and as a visual representation of the transplant I myself had taken from Arizona to Virginia.  In a sense, I was literally “putting down roots.”

Each day for three weeks, I went out once a day and planted another cactus, and at each planting I would stop and spend a moment to commemorate and honor the cactus by either creating some small piece of environmental art with the surrounding environment, or observing a moment of silence in respect.  After doing so, I would take a moment to photograph each and every cactus I planted.  It is in this way I planted 21 cacti in and around the Petersburg, Virginia area. 

The thing I loved most about this project was how naturally it evolved.  It wasn’t forced or prodded out of me, it simply can into being through trusting my instincts.  The experience of planting each of the cacti in and of itself was empowering in a way that I didn’t expect.  With each one I found myself growing more confident not only in my project, but in my personal life as well.  I hope that at least a few of these cacti will be able to serve through the years as a simple of hope for survival, endurance and resilience to all those who happen to pass by.